Can't live without you

Christmas is coming soon and I haven't really felt Christmasy. I really missed those times when I was small and my parents would pretend to be Santa Claus by slipping presents at the bottom of our bed at night. There was always a present at the bottom of my bed on every Christmas.

Now it's just gift exchanges between friends.

I feel like I can't get too close to anyone cus when any of my friends get too close to me, I would tend to shrink away. Tried controlling but I just can't. It's like a reflex.

This not only happens to friendships.

Sometimes I think I don't deserve happiness at all.

I feel like I'm not happy until I destroy my own happiness. I  know I shouldn't or I might regret but I can't help but to feel that way.

How warped a person I am.