I can't help being "such a person"

No mood for school

Feeling upset too. I just feel so sianzzz

In life, if you gain something somewhere, you must lose something elsewhere. Quite true to me so far. To gain love and to get rid of solitude, to have someone who's interested in listening to all my complaints, I must give up my control over certain things.

My emotions are dependent on a certain person and this is the aspect I hate most about relationships. It's just, I don't like to depend on anyone. The thing I like most about being single is the autonomy over my emotions. I don't need to care about anyone, and there's no need to give in.  I just do my own stuff, I don't care if you get angry. I don't get attached to a single person. One of my friends once said that he liked me this way, the "don't care" attitude.

After that I subsequently realized I was selfish. And maybe it was because of my "don't care" attitude that now the same friend and I became acquaintances compared to close friends last time. I know I cannot don't care about people, but it's just I can't help it.

But then, there's always an upside. The happiness derived from the same person can fill me up instantly... When I think of that, sometimes I think it's all worth it.

Today I hate myself once more, for being such a person. Then again, I can't help being "such a person" There isn't any conclusion here. Just that you have to give things up for certain other things and you just have to think of the upside when the downside is here to swallow you. Just hang on!

I like to stay up late alone at night when I'm feeling upset and that's what I'm doing nowww. Don't want to do anything and I refuse to sleep.