It pains me to be mediocre

Haiz here I am, blogging my late night emo thoughts again.

Well, the topic for tonight is about me being mediocre. I always thought I'm above average. I consistently did well or better than average in secondary school/JC. In secondary school, I did really well. I would study really hard for tests and when teachers announce the top marks for tests, I always thought I had a chance. Occasionally, it was me. I reveled in doing well academically. Then came JC, of cus I didn't do as well as I did in secondary school but I feel I was always above average.

Now, university is like another playing field all together. The competition drives me crazy! I think I studied as hard as I did in secondary school/JC but I don't get the same results. I always always get B+!!!!! I hate B+! Why not A- instead? I think at least half of my grades are B+? Every sem, I try and try to get above B+! Well, I achieved it in Y2S2, but still, unsustainable!

Now I'm trying to find an internship for the coming summer hols but to no avail and it pains me so much! I applied to soooo many banks eg. Morgan Stanley, Citibank, UOB, JP Morgan... But none of the banks got back to me except JP Morgan?? I was quite honored to be short listed for a phone interview cus JP Morgan is like my dream company!! If you are hired and accepted into their analyst program, they will send you to New York for a six weeks training (OMG NEW YORK!!!! Plays *Empire State of Mind*). Then they will rotate you in different offices each year for three years, one of the offices you go for a year has to be out of your home country (OMG OPPORTUNITY TO WORK OVERSEAS). However, after the phone interview, JP Morgan hasn't got back to me since. Haiz. And there isn't much bank internships left for me to apply :(( I don't want to settle for some "finance internship" in a non-bank company where all I'll do is admin work?? But it looks like I'll need to settle, unless some miracle happens :(

I want to get a high powered job after I graduate. I want to work as hard as possible (pia) when I'm young. I want to know where's my limit. I want to be rich and successful! I don't want to be stuck in some company doing admin work (might as well don't get degree right?) But now, all of it seems so difficult, so fucking difficult).

It pains me to be mediocre. So fucking much.

p/s and of cus I know life's just not about being successful but it matters ALOT