mindfucked

My recess week is over and done, but what have I barely done? x.x

Career services went past like the wind, & I'm back to the reality of studying.

I feel so sleepy right now, but I cant let myself sleep cus I haven finish alot of stuffs that's on my schedule this week.

Why must I be so busy with school? Haixxx. 4 projects, 1 case and CCA. Dun get me wrong, I love playing in the Chinese Orchestra. I wonder why I like playing so much when I'm so noob in my ZR. Plus CO is super time consuming... 8 hours of practice a week.

My mind is fucked. I dunno how I can continue doing well anymore. I feel so stupid and daunted by my modules this sem, esp FA. I can spend 3-4 hours doing one FA tutorial. Beat that.

& I'm starting to like marketing (dunno why)

But I'll still try my best because I want to excel at every opportunity (:

Who deserve what

Just finished my three days worth of career services x.x

I like "The art of networking" presentation but it all sounds so fake. Howz? I want to meet lady gaga one day. & J, the expert lol.

I saw *'s status on facebook and it drove me crazy. Because * don't deserve this really. But who am I to say such comments :/ It was just shocking and it felt like * was showing off to me. I had fallen from grace, what can I do? x.x

Life's like that. Everything that comes around, goes around. One day I swear I'll be better than *. Just that I hope I can no longer remember.

Need to start doing projects and studying tmrw but totally not in the mood x.x

Goodbye, was just here to vent :(

Hate my inferiority complex

Nowadays, I feel so inferior on so many days it's killing me.

I don't want to feel inferior! But I keep feeling inferior.

Why?

Am I inferior cus I cant get what I want? I've nvr felt that inferior in the whole of my life except now. I so need to get over this. It has bugged me for half a sem... I cant regret my life away.

Envy, the hidden monster with green eyes is inside me. I need to kick it out.

I need to change my perspective of my life. I want to live more and regret less.

I was born to be brave. I'll be brave (:

Self control

Which I'm obviously lacking in x.x

I cant get myself to do hmwk after dinner out yesterday lol. I think I love procrastination too much. I need to force myself now before time passes.

A sigh of relief

I'm so glad I survived this week. After tmrw, all the frustrating stuffs will be over!

I CANT WAIT.

& dinner with ruiying tmrw.

Finally dinner outx. I missed the outside world.

For the past three days, I've been sitting at my study table, furiously doing my tutorials or typing my assignment.

I feel so grateful that I've nothing to do tmrw, well except bizlaw tutorial... Should be manageable I guess!

Memento Mori

"Remember that we must die"

Sucha nice quote lol.

Anyw, Happy Valentine's Day! I was quite sad that this cute girl in my english class didnt turn up this morning cus I wanted to give her the valentine's chocs and sweets x.x

Should I still give her on thurs if she come? lol

I'll be so busy this week cus I didnt spend my weekends finishing my due homework. Recess week is next week, by then I'll have like 4 projects going on full steam. So no chance to enjoy recess.

I want idyllic days at home or somewhere nice to chill :/ It made me wonder why my lifestyle is so unbalanced. Y'know when there are holidays, I'll be so bored to death, then I'll want to work/study. Now, when I'm so caught up with schoolwork, I have no time to relax. I think NUS should be more relaxing. As in, make the weeks longer or smthing lol. So we've some spare time to relax during the term. Or give us one more week of recess, when we dun need to come back to school and no midterms to study for.

This sem is similar to last sem. Time is passing too fast, before I'll realise, it'll be time to work. I hope that day will nvr come. I cant imagine days after days being similar. I'll die.

Again, another time

I'm back here again after a short hiatus. School is getting more and more demanding. There are so many things to do yet so little time is given. I wish we didnt have a 13 week sem! It's really too short.

I missed my FA tutorial cus I overslept and I thought last week's korean tutorial was cancelled. In total I missed about 2 tutorials since the sem started. Feeling real guilty now x.x

I've been very tired recently. I dozed off just now when I just had a two and a half hour nap before! It's so nice to sleep, cus I get to escape the reality for awhile.

I've never felt more alone though I'm constantly surrounded by friends. No one can fully understand anyone cus everyone is different. I am not sure if I'm making correct decisions now and then. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by things that I cant get, I go crazy. Just like how I didnt really wanted to go business/accountancy? I wanted to go psychology and how much I wanted to go science (I know medicine is out of my reach) But the practical side of me decided to go accountancy and business. And when I didnt get into NTU accountancy/business, I went berserk. I die die wanted it. It felt like it was my calling but now I realised it isnt! How?

Now I'm worried about my decision! Whether is it wise. However life cannot be turned back so I've to stick with what I have.

Why didnt I step back when I got rejected!

Ohwell nvm. Fate is here

F stressed

I feel so stressed now cus I didn't touch the books for like 5 days and it all feels so foreign now.

I think there're many assignments due soon haiz

Why must all the happy moments pass so fast!! x.x

Bliss

I've been enjoying life too much recently! I'll been eating way too much as well! :(

CNY Eve reunion dinner: Steamboat for dinner

then

CNY Day 1: lunch and dinner at two grandma's house plus lots of CNY goodies in between. Then nachos and BK hershey's sundae pie for supper and movie

CNY Day 2: Porridge for lunch and CNY goodies. Then steamboat with family (was super filling)

Today: Han's for lunch (fucking disgusting! I'll nvr eat Han's ever ever again!) Then Muthu's Curry for dinner and tauhuey at a store near Wilkie Edge.

I feel so freaking FAT nowww omg.

I've no mood for school haixz

And to you J

You talked to me on facebook about you getting a gf. Do I look like I give a damn? LOL. Too bad you can't give me heartache.

I NEED TO STUDY KOREAN NOWWW

I should be named 净雯

一世隨緣, 隨緣一世, 才能活得自在 -净觉（新少林寺）

Nice quote from the shaolin movie I watched recently. Really set me thinking! Cus I've been really doubtful of myself recently. About why I didnt try harder and stuff & my gloomy future.

This movie is the answer to all my worries. This line from the movie solves everything that I've been thinking about.

I'll just leave it all to fate. Fate, is different from Destiny. I don't believe that my Destiny is written in some book in Hell. I make my own Fate and I'll follow whatever that happens to me. Cus all these is fated. While I'm here, why should I worry about Fate? I'll just let things happen and accept it. Only when I can accept it, then I can live freely. Love my life. Just like how I like this quote.

Coincidence is god's way of remaining annoymous

They have similar meanings... I did what I could for PSLE, Olevels, Alevels. And whatever results I could get, and whichever school I chose and got, is fate. When I'll find someone, is fate. I'll leave it cus there's no use worrying about it.

I just hope I can remember this quote the next time I'm depressed.

Anyway Chinese New Year is good! I didnt really feel the atmosphere, but family gatherings are always fun. I hope I won't say anything wrong next time x.x Gambled a little and lost. It's the process that I enjoy hehehe, just as long as I don't lose alot can le.

I'm not looking forward to school reopening. Alot of deadlines will bug me then. X.X

Can I play my 中阮 for life instead?

Late night thoughts

I placed up the link of this blog on my facebook, then removed it. Cus I realised I didnt want people to know so much about me. About how I'm depressed everyday.

Maybe like what my bizlaw lecturer said, 1/3 of the global population suffer from some kind of mental illness. Cus anxiety and depression are mental illnesses and I'm one of them.

CO practice was nice today. I learnt from this guest player, then went in to dazu. I could catch most of the parts, I need to work harder. I want to be good, at least above avg. But I'm still far :(

Tomorrow's CNY eve. I don't feel anything. There's good food waiting for me tmrw at my grandma's house. I dun feel anything :/

Now, life is running water, I'll let it run and waste my time away.

I need to forget and stop stalking