I wish...

Here I am again, with another depressing post. I have nothing much to blog about my life recently, been just going through the motion.

Everyday, I try to remain optimistic, but it's just so difficult. I have been trying for about 1.5 years already. So far, I've only been short listed for three interviews out of my probably 100+ applications to the job I wanna do!

Why is it so difficult, I keep asking myself? I have been working towards it, I took part in the NUS Student Managed Fund, I went for the stock pitch competition, I took up my current job cus it's something related, I signed up for the CFA exam in June and I tried to do some equity research on my own so I won't get rusty. But I guess all these are still not enough, I still can't compare to those who had professional equity research experience. Who will be willing to give me a chance? Been thinking about it a lot and I have decided to give myself a year to try to get into it... If not I'll settle for something else. Which will make me super depressed as well. What is a life worth living when I can't get to do something I really want and just waste my life away?

I know I might be too fixated on it. And even if I get it, it might not be what I imagined and I might dislike it as well. But... I really need to try it to know, and I can't even get in.

Why did I get so fixated on it? Maybe cus it is something I've tried so hard for, and failed. Most of my other goals, as long as I try hard enough, I do succeed. This is the single thing I've ever wanted for the longest time and I can't get it! This just frustrates the hell out of me.

I slip into these depression cycles once every few weeks and I know I will get over it soon again... Even I get sick of it but I can't help to feel this way. How many times do I have to go through it? Will I be able to break out of this cycle or I'll slump in it? No one knows... It certainly feels like a slump though.

Meanwhile I will try to keep my spirits up and continue to work towards it. Then again, words are cheap, sigh

Heavy heart

Recently, the lyrics in "Counting Star" resonated with me, especially this line:

I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, couldn't I, could lie

I've been feeling something which I know is wrong, but it feels so right at the same time. I know I shouldn't feel this way cus it will make me unreasonable, but I really can't help it.

I can say I am sorry a hundred times and it wouldn't alter the way I feel. Guilty and unhappy.

I should probably be left alone, so I wouldn't hurt people with such feelings of mine. And maybe then, I would be set free to feel what I feel. Which is so wrong yet I can't help it.

Any words of advice?

Yet another video!

I got all necklaces in the video from this shop.

I am on a roll with videos! Decided to make this video about my necklaces haul from Taobao as I love how value for money they are.

Batam Getaway

I made a video of the Batam trip I made last weekend with Olivia, Fang and Debra. Enjoy! Pardon my amateurish skills and a grammar mistake :(

For here on, I hope I will take more videos of everything! My parents used to film my siblings and I when we were small and it was always nice looking back at those times... So I want to create some videos which I can look back upon when I am older.

2am sadness

This week, I felt sad when:

I went to visit my maternal grandma at the hospital and I saw two patients lying in adjacenf beds who were in pain. They looked lonely, but no one came to visit during the visiting hours. When I saw my grandma, I could barely carry a conversation with her, cause we only ever see each other once a year and so she doesn't know what's happening in my life. We exchanged customary greetings and then we were just staring awkwardly at each other. My parents saved the day as they interjected with some conversation. I want to get to know my maternal side of my grandma too, but when will I have the time or make the effort to tag along with my mum when she goes visit my grandma? Sometimes the waves of life just sweeps you along and tangle you up such that you don't have time to get to know your extended family. A tinge of sadness hits me. I want to do something before it's too late, but will this aspiration be swept up into the ocean depths as well? Just like all the many things I had wanted to do in the past but never go around to it.

I closed the door behind me, knowing that things have changed. As we transit to different phases of our lives, I guess some dynamics in our relationship changes as well. How we'll progress... is still an unknown. What can I do but feel blue?

My manager yelled into the phone, scolding my other colleague, "NOW I'LL HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO THE CLIENT, FUCK", before slamming it down, grabbing everyone's attention. I felt sad and a small tinge of disgust that my manager hated to apologize that much!  If it's an easy problem solvable by an apology, is there such a need to get so worked up? I wondered when will be my unlucky day when I'll get the same treatment? Hopefully I'll get to leave before it happens...

This is the end of my sad sad week. Hoping it'll get better the next

Pince & Pints

For Lx's birthday, we went to Pince & Pints! I've been wanting to go to Pince & Pints  (& I think Lx too) since it was opened cus we loved Burger and Lobster in London!

What we ordered: Grilled lobster each & lobster roll to share, since the lobster roll was highly raved!

Our table in its entirety

The lobster roll certainly didn't disappoint. We could taste the thick and chunky lobster meat in the roll, unlike Platypus' lobster roll which were comprised of small pieces of meat. I guess you get what you paid for, as the lobster roll here cost more than double that of Platypus. Oh, and the roll was really good, it was richly buttered and toasted.

Lx posing the same pose as he did in London

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I bought cake but I realized I forgot to take picture of it

Anyhow, it was a good meal. Just a little pricey because I am Singapore, hence not so willing to splurge on food. But if it were £20 in London, I would feel be more willing to spend. Hoping we can visit London again. We made a pact & hopefully it will be realized soon!

First Saturday of 2015

Did nothing much, was upset that the holidays are over. Soon I'll be back to the daily grind with the next holiday 6 weeks away. Le sigh... Met LX at NEX for some Carl's Junior. Finally managed to eat their portobello mushroom burger! I went with my sis once and another time with LX, but both times they said it was sold out cause they ran out of mushrooms. Is it even that popular?

Anyway I discovered a bunch of fashion bloggers/Youtubers over the past few days and I am so inspired by them to dress a little better. Doubt it would last very long because I would normally stick to very conventional choices for work, and then maybe I'll have some time to think about my outfit on Saturday and that's it. My favourite fashion Youtuber is Clothesencounter! I love her style so much!!!! Go see some of her videos here

Decided to curl my hair, but I gave up after curling two thick strands, cause I keep failing as I can't see where I am curling with the curling tong.  If you look carefully, you can see that the hair behind is straight! I love this look, cause it makes me look a little more Korean! 

Nice? If only my hair was naturally like that!

LX acting pensive for the camera

Wefie! In this angle, I look like an auntie... Oh well.

After we gobbled down the burger and chilli cheese fries, we did some window shopping in the sale section of some retail outlets! Saw some nice cheap clothes, but sadly only odd sizes were left, which didn't fit me well so I left empty-handed. As LX brought his ukulele (his birthday present from me), we headed back for a jamming session. He taught me how to play some parts of 林俊杰‘s 学不会, but I didn't learn much cause he's still a noob and was quite confused himself LOL.

This kinda summed up my Saturday. Just spending some good old time together!