Wallpaper

I see my phone's wallpaper and I'm upset.

How could someone so happy be so sad?

Somedays I really wish that I can don't exist at all. No one knows the intensity of such feelings and how often it comes.

Neuroticism

On the bright side I got a Hello Kitty iPhone case for my new iPhone!

Got an iPhone last week cus my old phone spoil and I couldn't read or write sms-es. Decided to buy 4 instead of waiting for 5 cus I still need to wait for about 3 more months without a phone. Hahaha. Not a fan of Hello Kitty but I like the red bow!

I've faced extremely high levels of neuroticism in university. And it is killing me.

Everything academic is moving too fast for me to catch up x_x
2/5 for my finance test today is enough to destroy everything that I've built up since the holidays.

It kills, it really does.

I keep trying and trying for a better result. I'll keep trying but I don't know how long I can continue without giving up. It seemed so much easier to give up at times. I cant seem to find my optimism anymore...

I've worked hard this sem, I really did. Why aren't the results showing? Or I'm just not cut out for university?

It's a sad day or a sad sem.

Ah Loy Thai

I'm

Arrogant, vain, indecisive, blunt, cold, insensitive, insincere, lazy, lethargic, manipulative, vengeful, dangerous. 

or too fucked up

lol.

I will always suddenly feel very alone when I attend gatherings. I dunno why. Normally no one will notice that I suddenly become very quiet. But today, one of my friends noticed.

Couldn't believe it. He said I was too quiet today.

& I felt happy.

Red Tape

It is everywhere.
I want to blog about something which I've been thinking quite a lot about.

Last sem, I tried for the Social Secretary postion in NUSCO and I got it. Before I got into the exco, I wanted to do a lot of things. Like have exciting outings, and stuff. But now I feel like it's so hard to fulfill all the things I wanted to do after joining the exco.

We have to conform by rules and expectations. In NUSCO, where alumni plays an important part in the orchestra, we must watch our steps so as to portray a good image of ourselves.

I like to take risk and I always want to try out new stuff. However not everyone has the same vision as me. We all have different visions and it is difficult to push for something when others are against it.

Manpower is one thing. Most of the time, things have to be done by one person. For example, I was pretty stressed out by the upcoming Mid Autumn Festival cus I was the one in charge and no one seem to care about it. Well maybe except L. Then again, help only comes when you ask for it.

I feel so bounded and sometimes I really feel like quitting because I feel like I did nothing and it's so hard to do anything + thinking of all this makes me unhappy.

It kills me. If anything is done, it should be done with the fullest effort.
& I dun see it. Yet I belong to it
:(

Awesome Huat Kueh

L made huat kueh for me!! hahaha

with chocolate chips inside.

Thanks L (:

Looks like this week would be hell week for me. I have 3 graded quiz/test going on. Wish me luck!

Latenightmuse

This is how I look at 2.30am in the morning, after chionging my biz analytics 2 assignment 1 (which has a lot a lot of statistics) Never hated statistics this much until I saw this assignment, it was really quite a challenge. Not to mention there's one more assignment and two more cases to go :(

How am I going to survive?

On the bright side, weeks are slowly moving past and it's alr week 5 this week! 1/3 of the sem is almost over (: Just need to catch up my on my other modules. Maybe I can relax for a day during recess week to recharge for more studying in the recess week.

After awhile of being sad, I realized that life goes on and that everything is short term.

Went to watch Smurfs with L today after consultation and doing of assignment with friends in school. I think it was good cus I didn't fidget a lot during the movie. If a movie is boring, I'll tend to fidget a lot to fight sleep. Smurfs are quite cute! I wanted to watch it cus Neil Patrick Harris (Barney in HIMYM) is in the show. Even though he's not as funny as Barney in HIMYM, I still enjoyed watching it!

Now I need to play catch up. Going to attempt to read my finance lecture notes now!

Barely Breathing

Just found out today that I've been deliberately excluded out of something that I supposedly belong to, and it makes me mad.

Why am I mad? I know I shouldn't be angry or anything but I just can't control how I feel. And I thought someone would care, but that person did not. I should have expected it, I shouldn't have expected too much. The opposite of love is indifference

I'm not alone but I'm actually very alone. Life is that superficial.

Recently I find that I've no reason to exist. It's like I hate what I'm doing and yet I have to do them just because I've to go through them. So what if I go through university? I end up working. I don't want to work. If I dun exist, then I won't need to work, cus I won't need money. The future holds nothing for me, and I dun wish to go to the future. I won't miss what I've never got, right?

I just want to not exist

It hurts to even breathe. I feel sad and aimless every moment now, and there are so many times I feel like crying, randomly

Until there is nothing left to love, nothing left to say.

And finally, there will be no pain.

I'll be waiting