Gratitude

I've been in a pretty bad mood recently, whenever I am alone... Cause my mind wanders. As time passes, the sadness kind of dissipates a little and I feel better most of the time but I still have my bouts.

I chanced upon the book "The Secret" recently. I was feeling pretty depressed in Feb, but thankfully there were CNY holidays, and all the mingling with family and friends made me forget my troubles. My younger brother's birthday fell on CNY Eve this year and while we were playing mj, I noticed that my brother's friends had given him The Secret as a birthday gift. He seemed pretty disinterested in the book, so I asked him if I could borrow. He said yes. Is it a sign?!

So I read the book over the next few days whenever I was free. I have to say I was skeptical for some parts of the book, especially this line "Quantum physicists tell us that the entire universe emerged from thought", I was like ??? How can it be! Everyone knew the Universe emerged from Big Bang and if it did emerge from a thought, where did the thought originate from? Furthermore, another questionable premise put forward by the author was that if you want to lose weight, then you should avoid looking at fat people and all thoughts of going on a diet, coupled with the imagination of yourself at your ideal weight. The author claims she followed her own instructions and lost some weight. It's pretty unbelievable? How would not looking at fat people help you to lose weight? And how will you lose weight by just visualizing yourself to be at your target weight, instead of limiting your intake?

However, I find myself trying to think of more positive thoughts as suggested by the book. I meant, I've been applying religiously and there's nothing I can do on my part... So why not just try to think positively right? Also, I had a success story a two years back. I was in Y3 in school and hadn't landed an internship for summer. I wanted an internship with a bank badly (that's what peer pressure does to you!) and time was running out. Think it was around Mar-Apr and I've yet to secure an internship for May! An application for a bank opened. I applied for it and kept thinking optimistically. Before I sleep, I would write down, "I will be an intern at XXXX" 15-20 times everyday and soon enough they shortlisted me for interview and gave me an internship offer! But after that, I tried to use it again, I wrote for like 3 months but there was no effect so I gave up.

Now trying again...

One thing they said in the book was to be grateful. I find that it really helps to be grateful and appreciate everything... Makes me less sad and more appreciative.

Persons/Things I am grateful to have in my life:

1. My parents.
Recently I had a talk with my parents about my situation and I don't know why... Talking to them always makes me feel better. The advice they gave was good. Even if my job doesn't offer me much learning opportunities, I can go create them myself.  And I have to lower my expectations for jobs... After awhile, all jobs will become somewhat repetitive and that's what I am getting paid for: to get the repetitive job done. I can't expect all jobs to be mind boggling complex problems which will challenge my intellect, like in school. I am glad I have them to turn to for advice and I know they'll always be there for me.

2. My sister and brother.
I am always surprised at how much I enjoy their company. Even though we live in the same house, we spend just a small proportion of time interacting with each other. Probably just some conversations here and there. My brother is pretty active in JC and comes home pretty late everyday and after  he comes home, all he wants to do is to lie in bed and use phone. Then CNY rolls along, and we're forced to spend time with each other. I really appreciate how my sister helps me save money, she has all bargains at the tips of her fingers. As for my brother, I appreciate how he'll always help me with tuition maths problems (without complaints) or explain some random physics theory to me.

3. Lx
I really have to thank Lx for always being here for me. Whenever I am upset, Lx will  try to cheer me up and recently, he'd bore the brunt of my unhappiness. With regards to that, I am sorry... I know he treats me well and I'll never take him for granted cause it's really hard to imagine how my life would be without him.

4. Friends, especially Olivia, Debra and Fang
I haven't told most of my friends what I felt, cause I feel like it's easier to share the happy stuffs with friends rather than the unhappy stuffs. Sometimes, friends get uncomfortable, I get uncomfortable sometimes. I'm glad I told Oli, Debra and Fang about what I felt because I got to know what it's like from their perspectives. Talking to them has definitely made me feel better. And also, I really enjoy their company!

5. My manager and colleagues.
Even though I dislike my job, I have to admit I have a nice manager and colleague. My manager scolds vulgarities, but not yet at me... During un-stressful periods, he's pretty nice and we can talk about some common topics. Like for lunch, when he noticed I keep coming back at the 1 hour mark, he told me that I could take a 1.5hrs lunch and he wouldn't mind. I enjoy lunch time with my colleagues too, they are so funny and they give me a different perspective on some topics as they come from a different walk of life.

6. Bloomberg
Best thing about my job is that I get to have a Bloomberg Anywhere account under my name, meaning I can access Bloomberg anywhere and anytime. It's a powerful program which cost the company US$2,500 a month and can be used to analyze any financial product in the world. Some days I feel like it's wasted on me, but I will now utilize it well!

So many things to be grateful of... I will try to be keep up my happy mood for as long as possible!