V'day + Reunion Dinner

Celebrated V'day with Lx on Saturday! We went to La Taperia for lunch, a Spanish restaurant located at Shaw House. 

We ordered two tapas and a paella to share. 

Some beef steak which Lx ordered. It was juicy and nice!

This is my favourite! Can't remember the name, but it consists of mushrooms, fried garlic and a half-boiled egg. I don't know why mushrooms served in restaurants are always delicious, and the fried garlic was super crisssspy. I love it.

Our squid-ink paella came after half an hour. The clams and prawns were larger than expected. I thought it was so-so only but Lx loved the rice. I found it too dry as I still prefer my paella to be more risotto-esque. 

Lx got me flowers even though I told him not to and just get me a small potted rose so I can grow it in my office. But he didn't listen! I can't stay I wasn't happy though. I was pleasantly surprised and guilty at the same  time, cus he must have spent a bomb on it and the money could be better spent on other areas!! :(

After our meal, we headed to Wine Connection for an afternoon drink. I couldn't stop admiring the flowers, it was so pretty (or so I think).

Cheers to our fourth time celebrating V'day together! To Lx: Thank you for always being here for me, especially for the past week. Hoping to spend our ups and downs together too!

Afterwards, we headed to his aunt's house for reunion dinner. Truth to be told, it was pretty unnerving to meet his extended family for the first time. Cus there will be so many people and I won't know what to say. 

But... it beat each and every of my expectations! His extended family were all so friendly and nice and funny. They reminded me of how my own extended family will be during CNY Day 1. I was pretty upset the whole week before, but interacting with them made me forgot all of that. All in all, it was a wonderful day cus it made me realize that there's more to life than work. Spending time with family and friends can bring me so much joy and I am glad CNY is coming cus I can't wait to spend time with my own family! It's a pity that work takes up a large proportion of our time such that we only have limited time to meet up with our family and friends during festive occasions. 

I am trying to look on the bright side, and this quote made it a little easier:

"Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. And, if things are going bad, don't worry, it can't last forever either"

Hoping it will all be over soon...

Monday

Monday blues

As I sat in front of my Bloomberg screens

I wondered why the hell am I 

Doing something I don't like?

Sadness overwhelms me

This is not how I imagine my life to be

But what can I do,

When I need money?

Tears threaten to spill

But I pulled myself together

To focus

And get this day over

As the day progresses

I find myself reminiscing 

About the past

When I wasn't chained to my desk

Sadness multiplies in my heart

I want to turn back time

When I was happy and free

But I knew it's impossible

As soon as I got home

And closed my door

Tears came, fast and furious

Representing words I cannot say

Will tomorrow be better?

I hope so

At the lowest point 

The only way out is up

I wish...

Here I am again, with another depressing post. I have nothing much to blog about my life recently, been just going through the motion.

Everyday, I try to remain optimistic, but it's just so difficult. I have been trying for about 1.5 years already. So far, I've only been short listed for three interviews out of my probably 100+ applications to the job I wanna do!

Why is it so difficult, I keep asking myself? I have been working towards it, I took part in the NUS Student Managed Fund, I went for the stock pitch competition, I took up my current job cus it's something related, I signed up for the CFA exam in June and I tried to do some equity research on my own so I won't get rusty. But I guess all these are still not enough, I still can't compare to those who had professional equity research experience. Who will be willing to give me a chance? Been thinking about it a lot and I have decided to give myself a year to try to get into it... If not I'll settle for something else. Which will make me super depressed as well. What is a life worth living when I can't get to do something I really want and just waste my life away?

I know I might be too fixated on it. And even if I get it, it might not be what I imagined and I might dislike it as well. But... I really need to try it to know, and I can't even get in.

Why did I get so fixated on it? Maybe cus it is something I've tried so hard for, and failed. Most of my other goals, as long as I try hard enough, I do succeed. This is the single thing I've ever wanted for the longest time and I can't get it! This just frustrates the hell out of me.

I slip into these depression cycles once every few weeks and I know I will get over it soon again... Even I get sick of it but I can't help to feel this way. How many times do I have to go through it? Will I be able to break out of this cycle or I'll slump in it? No one knows... It certainly feels like a slump though.

Meanwhile I will try to keep my spirits up and continue to work towards it. Then again, words are cheap, sigh

Heavy heart

Recently, the lyrics in "Counting Star" resonated with me, especially this line:

I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, couldn't I, could lie

I've been feeling something which I know is wrong, but it feels so right at the same time. I know I shouldn't feel this way cus it will make me unreasonable, but I really can't help it.

I can say I am sorry a hundred times and it wouldn't alter the way I feel. Guilty and unhappy.

I should probably be left alone, so I wouldn't hurt people with such feelings of mine. And maybe then, I would be set free to feel what I feel. Which is so wrong yet I can't help it.

Any words of advice?

Yet another video!

I got all necklaces in the video from this shop.

I am on a roll with videos! Decided to make this video about my necklaces haul from Taobao as I love how value for money they are.

Batam Getaway

I made a video of the Batam trip I made last weekend with Olivia, Fang and Debra. Enjoy! Pardon my amateurish skills and a grammar mistake :(

For here on, I hope I will take more videos of everything! My parents used to film my siblings and I when we were small and it was always nice looking back at those times... So I want to create some videos which I can look back upon when I am older.

2am sadness

This week, I felt sad when:

I went to visit my maternal grandma at the hospital and I saw two patients lying in adjacenf beds who were in pain. They looked lonely, but no one came to visit during the visiting hours. When I saw my grandma, I could barely carry a conversation with her, cause we only ever see each other once a year and so she doesn't know what's happening in my life. We exchanged customary greetings and then we were just staring awkwardly at each other. My parents saved the day as they interjected with some conversation. I want to get to know my maternal side of my grandma too, but when will I have the time or make the effort to tag along with my mum when she goes visit my grandma? Sometimes the waves of life just sweeps you along and tangle you up such that you don't have time to get to know your extended family. A tinge of sadness hits me. I want to do something before it's too late, but will this aspiration be swept up into the ocean depths as well? Just like all the many things I had wanted to do in the past but never go around to it.

I closed the door behind me, knowing that things have changed. As we transit to different phases of our lives, I guess some dynamics in our relationship changes as well. How we'll progress... is still an unknown. What can I do but feel blue?

My manager yelled into the phone, scolding my other colleague, "NOW I'LL HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO THE CLIENT, FUCK", before slamming it down, grabbing everyone's attention. I felt sad and a small tinge of disgust that my manager hated to apologize that much!  If it's an easy problem solvable by an apology, is there such a need to get so worked up? I wondered when will be my unlucky day when I'll get the same treatment? Hopefully I'll get to leave before it happens...

This is the end of my sad sad week. Hoping it'll get better the next