Incompetence

The title says it all.

I just killed myself in bizlaw today. Couldnt finish a question and it was worth 30 marks. There was like 16 points, at least, to write about, but I FUCKING couldnt finish it. I ONLY WROTE 1 POINT OUT OF THAT 16 POINTS.

I knew what to write, but I couldnt write fast enough.

How could I allow myself to not finish a 30 mark question?

University is a nightmare to me. I am living up to all my incompetence in NUS business school. & it isnt even the best faculty or the best business school. I've always strived to be better, whether is it in terms of my studies, or 中阮 or as a person. But the returns I've been getting back are like negative compared to the effort I'm putting in. Am I expecting too much thats why?

Incompetence will kill, and I dunno how to overcome it. No matter how hard I work, there seem to be something there that will stop me from reaching my goal.

I so need to do well for my bizlaw. I know my bizcomm and korean 2 is like GG alr and yet I still allowed myself to do badly for bizlaw. I feel like crying, and I've never cried over any paper done before. I'm really really depressed and there's this hole in my heart. Havent I not done badly for the rest of my subjects? x_x I wont even dare to see my own results for this sem.

Someone might as well kill me right now

I need to do honours so badly. I had everything in university planned, but nothing is going my way this sem. What to do? Graduate after 3 years and not go for SEP due to my cui CAP?

FUCK.

I'm entering a new era of my own incompetence.

Anger

Today when my mum came home and I asked if she could drive me home from work, if I end work at 1030pm.

She said no and she started becoming very angry cus she thought I got cheated, as I had to work long hours. And she kept nagging and nagging, in a very rude way.

I spoke to her in a nice way and that is how she replied

Thats where I got my rudeness from

Then she wanted me to help her send a sms, my attitude wasnt very good cus I was pissed off with her. We started arguing. So I took my phone, took off the cover, took off the battery and threw it on the floor. I refused to help her, then I walked into my room.

We are not on talking terms right now.

I admit, this kind of situation has happened alot of times in my family. My mum tends to speak in a rude way, and I'll be rude back to her if she's rude.

I hope next time I can better control my emotions. I WILL NOT BE RUDE EVEN IF SHE IS RUDE TO ME.

this is easier said than done, I can't control how I feel x_x

Nvm, I shall just let this pass, just as how so many other incidents had passed before.

I cannot keep studying, I lose confidence in myself with every revision topic done. Howzz?

I need to be confident before I can do well, just like the past. Why do I always see the past as better than the present? This kind of mindset is killing me. Just because I've been good once, doesnt mean I'll always be good, yet I always look at the past and wondered how I did it. Studies I will conquer you!!!

Popularity

Feeling really restless as it is the first day of the recess week :(

Kept talking to L while I was in the library, it kinda distracted him much. lol

& today I finally told everyone about something I wanted to say for awhile. Am kinda glad it was easy and fast x_x

I NEED TO PULL UP MY CAPPP :(

Sometimes when people tell me flattering things, I wonder if they're real. Because it seem so incredulous that they could find something to flatter when the words looks/sounds so fake. University is so much faker than JC and secondary school so I can never guess their hearts. Ohwelll.

So shall I naive and believe or should I just ask them to shut up?

Life's too good to be true

Like what my title suggests

But the good part is not my studies, but the relief of completing my FOP hehe

There's korean oral WITH the teacher on wednesday before I can study in peace.

I cant wait to study lol. Need to pull up my cap x_x

Just finished formal oral presentation today. Had to wear a blazer! I feel so big sized in my blazer lol :(

Some photos I kope-d from fb! (it's really unlike me to kope photos from fb cus I used to always bring a camera around. But now I've changed to be lazyy :( )

The bizcomm class:

My bizcomm group, forever-ized in a polaroid photo, Jiahui is so nice to bring her polaroid (:

I love polaroid photos!! But I've just ran out of my film for my cam. Gotta buy a new pack (hopefully disney) sooon

I'm really happy that I got Kathleen, Jiahui and Louis for my bizcomm group. They're really great people to work with! They understood when I had my CO commitments and when I couldn't contribute so much to ML2 and FOP, they covered for me. And we really had fun doing our ML2 (:

Thank you.

I'm so thankful that I've such wonderful friends around me.

Recently I keep skyping with L. Not that it's not a good thing, cus we like to talk to each other. But my mum say we talk too much.

Am I neglecting my studies? Ahhh, just uninstalled my skype :(

I need to be focused!

L has been a great source of comfort ever since I got to know him. Someone whom I thought I'll never chance upon, but I did. I cannot say much, but thank you. For always being there (:

Alright. Time to do FA before homework floods me again :(

When I could remember every fucking thing in the textbook

I wondered how I did it when I was young. Now when I come to think of it, I was so well prepared for my secondary school exams than anything else in the world.

Did my korean final test. I found it really difficult cus I didn't study enough. Recently I keep procrastinating, and life is so meaningless when I need to study. I wondered how I found the meaning to study when I was in sec school

I need to do well so fucking badly. But the want is not there. It feels like I could let my heart cui until there's no more of me left.

Then if there's no life, there will be no competition and even if there is no meaning, it doesnt matter anymore.

To my sister:

No one is perfect and even if people get perfect grades, they lose out to you somewhere or another. All you need to do now is to study harder and win those who had won you before. Sweet victory only comes after hardwork. I understood that but I could never work so hard. JIAYOU for your final lap (:

Reflections on recent happenings

It's such late nights that I've reflections and revelations to talk about.

Just yesterday I ran for the post of the social secretary x_x I got it cus no one was fighting with me for it.

Then huijing was so kind to come down and support despite her wanting to quit the orchestra x_x

I was bad enough to contribute to the psycho-ing by Danny and Weegin to ask her to run for secretary. She did and she's the new secretary. But today she told me the truth. How she felt and everything.

I felt really guilty. As a friend, my behaviour was wrong x_x

Tmrw we're meeting to discuss this. I dunno which stand I should take. As part of the exco or as her friend! I think i'll take the stand as her friend.

I'm kinda upset that she will be leaving CO. Because through this period of time, I've grown closer to huijing x_x she knows things that my other friends dunno. I know I shouldn't be selfish. & If she feels happier, I am not a friend if I stop her.

I've no motivation to work hard. I dunno why! The msn can be a huge distraction sometimes. Haiiii