Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Friday, April 17, 2015
Traveling
As I begin my life as a working adult, I look forward to holidays more. For this year, I'll be traveling to BKK and Europe. Yes, Europe again! Burning my money. As usual I took up tuition to pay for it, so it'll be paid by one year's worth of tuition fees (actually one year of tuition fees is more than enough to cover the trip, I'll have extra to fund half a DSLR as well). 1 year of pain for 15 days of traveling, worth it? I've pretty differing views of tuition at different times. Some days if I'm tired, I will feel like tuition is a pain in the ass, but during other days, I feel happy teaching tuition cause I feel like I am making a difference.
But no regrets... Now I am at the stage where I have time, but no money. And it only takes up 2 hours of my time per week.
My itinerary for Europe trip in September: Prague -> Rome -> Santorini -> Mykonos -> Athens -> Budapest. I'll be going with Olivia, Fang and Debra.
Sometimes, I wonder if my love for traveling is driven by my mundane life at work. Overall, traveling is a very pleasant thing, I haven't met any person who dislike traveling, but perhaps I like traveling even more now that I have a job. When you have a job, you sell your time away, doing things you would not do if not for the money. And a holiday is a good break from all of that.
Life is full of trade-offs. I wish I had unlimited money to travel to every nook and cranny of the world. But nope, when I have some money, I will not have the time or the health. So I'll travel to new places within my means, cus I might never have the chance to do that next time. Meanwhile, I will earn the expenses of each trip with tuition!
But no regrets... Now I am at the stage where I have time, but no money. And it only takes up 2 hours of my time per week.
My itinerary for Europe trip in September: Prague -> Rome -> Santorini -> Mykonos -> Athens -> Budapest. I'll be going with Olivia, Fang and Debra.
Sometimes, I wonder if my love for traveling is driven by my mundane life at work. Overall, traveling is a very pleasant thing, I haven't met any person who dislike traveling, but perhaps I like traveling even more now that I have a job. When you have a job, you sell your time away, doing things you would not do if not for the money. And a holiday is a good break from all of that.
Life is full of trade-offs. I wish I had unlimited money to travel to every nook and cranny of the world. But nope, when I have some money, I will not have the time or the health. So I'll travel to new places within my means, cus I might never have the chance to do that next time. Meanwhile, I will earn the expenses of each trip with tuition!
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Why can't I lie
Some days I hate myself. Hate myself for not being able to lie or not thinking before making a statement.
I've been to some interviews. So far, in all interviews I've been to, there's always something I said wrongly. I try to plan all my answers beforehand, but sometimes a random question pops out and I find myself responding too fast. Before I know it, I said something wrong. Words of truth slips out of my mouth. Damage is done. I don't get the job. That's it.
I've learnt this so many times, the hard way. But I repeat this mistake again and again. What to do? Blame myself and wallow in self pity? Praying for more interviews to come my way so I get more chances, and more chances to practise. Hopefully one day, I can be perfect.
Meanwhile, I'll have to endure at my current job. My punishment for being so truthful and speaking too fast without thinking what the interviewers would think of me. Sigh...
I've been to some interviews. So far, in all interviews I've been to, there's always something I said wrongly. I try to plan all my answers beforehand, but sometimes a random question pops out and I find myself responding too fast. Before I know it, I said something wrong. Words of truth slips out of my mouth. Damage is done. I don't get the job. That's it.
I've learnt this so many times, the hard way. But I repeat this mistake again and again. What to do? Blame myself and wallow in self pity? Praying for more interviews to come my way so I get more chances, and more chances to practise. Hopefully one day, I can be perfect.
Meanwhile, I'll have to endure at my current job. My punishment for being so truthful and speaking too fast without thinking what the interviewers would think of me. Sigh...
Monday, April 6, 2015
I have a morbid thought
What if there's just no meaning for humans to live? Just that we were born to this world with a long life, and to make time pass faster, we deceive ourselves and come up with the idea that our lives have meaning?
Isn't that not possible? Some days I keep pondering about my meaning in life and I can't come up with any. Yes perhaps I say I want to make a difference in someone's life. What's the use? The "someone" would probably die one day. We were all born to die, so how does making a difference in someone's "bound to die" life make you feel better? Everything is fleeting and easy forgotten, and probably have no meaning.
Meaning is probably an opiate everyone takes to make them feel better... About their meaningless life
Monday, March 30, 2015
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
LKY
As everyone knows, LKY passed away yesterday. I was sadder than I imagined myself to be. I was surprised at my own reaction because I wasn't pro-PAP, as I was probably influenced by all the anti-PAP articles I read during GE2011. I couldn't vote then but I read all those articles with fervor, and I found myself deeply unsatisfied with them. I found that they were getting too complacent and there were many problems unsolved, like the lack of HDB flats, the frequent breakdowns of the transport system, the explosion of foreign workers in Singapore and high COEs. I was unhappy with CPF too, as I felt like the CPF was denying us our own hard-earned money. I guess quite a portion of Singaporeans felt the same way and that's how PAP lost its first GRC in Aljunied.
However, recently I start to appreciate what PAP has done. Maybe it's because I matured and also I saw PAP trying their best to rectify the problems in 2011. Since GE2011, there were more flats being built, so many that house prices have began to drop and everyone I know who needs a house managed to get one. I also appreciate the CPF scheme now and I think it's absolutely necessary. The government has to ensure that there some kind of safety net for Singaporeans when they retire. If there's no CPF, there would probably be more poor and homeless old people around as there definitely will be reckless individuals who will fail to save and have to rely on government for handouts By implementing the CPF, the government ensures that everyone has some savings (no matter how little) for retirement and need not rely on the government. I mean, I bet Singaporeans also do not want their tax revenue to go to supporting such reckless individuals right? I also see efforts by the government to improve our public transport and curb the number of foreign workers. As for COE, I finally understood the government's rationale when I visited Bangkok for a holiday. There were so many cars in Bangkok as cars is pretty affordable there, but the jams were so bad!! It took our taxi 2-3 mins to travel 100m due to the jams. I got so frustrated inside the taxi because I felt like my time was wasted! I am glad there's COE in Singapore such that jams are minimized and we Singaporeans do not waste our time being stuck in jams. Perhaps Singaporeans are not grateful enough and 身在福中不知福
In light of all these realizations, I began to see that the PAP and LKY (all the next two PMs) did good things for Singapore and even though these policies might not be popular, they implemented it anyway. They could have chose the easy way out by implementing populist policies to get votes, but they didn't. They did what they thought was right and good for Singaporeans, and that's how we get to live in a successful country. That's what I think makes LKY exceptional.
However, I do not agree with his iron fist approach on some matters, such as media censorship.
I was also very touched by the love story between LKY and his wife. I was reading articles on them and some quotes really touched my heart. This is one of them:
Writing this post made me feel sad again... Sigh :(
However, recently I start to appreciate what PAP has done. Maybe it's because I matured and also I saw PAP trying their best to rectify the problems in 2011. Since GE2011, there were more flats being built, so many that house prices have began to drop and everyone I know who needs a house managed to get one. I also appreciate the CPF scheme now and I think it's absolutely necessary. The government has to ensure that there some kind of safety net for Singaporeans when they retire. If there's no CPF, there would probably be more poor and homeless old people around as there definitely will be reckless individuals who will fail to save and have to rely on government for handouts By implementing the CPF, the government ensures that everyone has some savings (no matter how little) for retirement and need not rely on the government. I mean, I bet Singaporeans also do not want their tax revenue to go to supporting such reckless individuals right? I also see efforts by the government to improve our public transport and curb the number of foreign workers. As for COE, I finally understood the government's rationale when I visited Bangkok for a holiday. There were so many cars in Bangkok as cars is pretty affordable there, but the jams were so bad!! It took our taxi 2-3 mins to travel 100m due to the jams. I got so frustrated inside the taxi because I felt like my time was wasted! I am glad there's COE in Singapore such that jams are minimized and we Singaporeans do not waste our time being stuck in jams. Perhaps Singaporeans are not grateful enough and 身在福中不知福
In light of all these realizations, I began to see that the PAP and LKY (all the next two PMs) did good things for Singapore and even though these policies might not be popular, they implemented it anyway. They could have chose the easy way out by implementing populist policies to get votes, but they didn't. They did what they thought was right and good for Singaporeans, and that's how we get to live in a successful country. That's what I think makes LKY exceptional.
However, I do not agree with his iron fist approach on some matters, such as media censorship.
I was also very touched by the love story between LKY and his wife. I was reading articles on them and some quotes really touched my heart. This is one of them:
We have never allowed the other to feel abandoned and alone in any moment of crisis. Quite the contrary, we have faced all major crises in our lives together, sharing our fears and hopes, and our subsequent grief and exultation. These moments of crisis have bonded us closer together.Also, accounts on how he cared for his wife after she was bedridden after a stroke touched me too. It is endearing to know how they cared for each other and managed to stay in love after such a long time. I took the chance to reflect on my own relationship and I think I would feel very sad if I were in their shoes. But of cause, it's irrational to be sad given that they have spent so many happy moments together. Afterwards, I felt like I should treasure every moment with Lx & everyone else.
Writing this post made me feel sad again... Sigh :(
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
On some things
1. On our existence
I had late night mookata with my family last night and while on the car back, my siblings and I discussed about humans' existence. We all know that the universe probably started from the Big Bang. From a long long long time ago, there was this huge mass of matter which exploded due to an extremely strong gravitational force, resulting in the formation of the sun, stars and planets. Pardon my amateur explanation, this is what I understood from what I've read. We also know we have come to be humans through a long evolutionary process.
The question is... how is matter even created? Like how is there a huge mass of matter a long long long time ago? Has it always been there or has it been created? Like a very apt example given by my brother: a sucker fish in a tank will only know the world around it. It gets food everyday, but it might never know who gave it the food. The answer is we will never know. If we've been created by a higher being, how would we ever know who the being is, given that we are its creation? We probably do not have enough intelligence to figure it out. Just like how computers created by us will never have a mind of its own. Furthermore, so many things in our world are governed by very precise laws, examples are pi = 3.14159, the golden ratio, g = 10m2/s. How come the laws in our world are so precise?
We concluded that we'll never know all these things and probably we shouldn't spend time trying to think of our existence. We should try to instead try to lead a happy life, with what we're given (even this is easier said than done).
But some days we really can't help but to wonder...
2. On being independent
Recently I have became less independent. I talked to L and my parents a lot to make me feel better about my current situation. I realized that I have encountered depressing things before, but I wasn't that dependent. I relied on myself. Then I realized that I hate being dependent. Why was I telling people about my bad moods and expecting them to make me feel better? Source of happiness should come from myself. Since yesterday, I have been trying to be less dependent... Hoping it will work. So far it has worked for a day, trudging on. Even if I am sad and I can't snap out of it, then I deserve to wallow in sadness.
When the source of happiness becomes sadness, what do I do?
I had late night mookata with my family last night and while on the car back, my siblings and I discussed about humans' existence. We all know that the universe probably started from the Big Bang. From a long long long time ago, there was this huge mass of matter which exploded due to an extremely strong gravitational force, resulting in the formation of the sun, stars and planets. Pardon my amateur explanation, this is what I understood from what I've read. We also know we have come to be humans through a long evolutionary process.
The question is... how is matter even created? Like how is there a huge mass of matter a long long long time ago? Has it always been there or has it been created? Like a very apt example given by my brother: a sucker fish in a tank will only know the world around it. It gets food everyday, but it might never know who gave it the food. The answer is we will never know. If we've been created by a higher being, how would we ever know who the being is, given that we are its creation? We probably do not have enough intelligence to figure it out. Just like how computers created by us will never have a mind of its own. Furthermore, so many things in our world are governed by very precise laws, examples are pi = 3.14159, the golden ratio, g = 10m2/s. How come the laws in our world are so precise?
We concluded that we'll never know all these things and probably we shouldn't spend time trying to think of our existence. We should try to instead try to lead a happy life, with what we're given (even this is easier said than done).
But some days we really can't help but to wonder...
2. On being independent
Recently I have became less independent. I talked to L and my parents a lot to make me feel better about my current situation. I realized that I have encountered depressing things before, but I wasn't that dependent. I relied on myself. Then I realized that I hate being dependent. Why was I telling people about my bad moods and expecting them to make me feel better? Source of happiness should come from myself. Since yesterday, I have been trying to be less dependent... Hoping it will work. So far it has worked for a day, trudging on. Even if I am sad and I can't snap out of it, then I deserve to wallow in sadness.
When the source of happiness becomes sadness, what do I do?
Monday, March 2, 2015
Gratitude
I've been in a pretty bad mood recently, whenever I am alone... Cause my mind wanders. As time passes, the sadness kind of dissipates a little and I feel better most of the time but I still have my bouts.
I chanced upon the book "The Secret" recently. I was feeling pretty depressed in Feb, but thankfully there were CNY holidays, and all the mingling with family and friends made me forget my troubles. My younger brother's birthday fell on CNY Eve this year and while we were playing mj, I noticed that my brother's friends had given him The Secret as a birthday gift. He seemed pretty disinterested in the book, so I asked him if I could borrow. He said yes. Is it a sign?!
So I read the book over the next few days whenever I was free. I have to say I was skeptical for some parts of the book, especially this line "Quantum physicists tell us that the entire universe emerged from thought", I was like ??? How can it be! Everyone knew the Universe emerged from Big Bang and if it did emerge from a thought, where did the thought originate from? Furthermore, another questionable premise put forward by the author was that if you want to lose weight, then you should avoid looking at fat people and all thoughts of going on a diet, coupled with the imagination of yourself at your ideal weight. The author claims she followed her own instructions and lost some weight. It's pretty unbelievable? How would not looking at fat people help you to lose weight? And how will you lose weight by just visualizing yourself to be at your target weight, instead of limiting your intake?
However, I find myself trying to think of more positive thoughts as suggested by the book. I meant, I've been applying religiously and there's nothing I can do on my part... So why not just try to think positively right? Also, I had a success story a two years back. I was in Y3 in school and hadn't landed an internship for summer. I wanted an internship with a bank badly (that's what peer pressure does to you!) and time was running out. Think it was around Mar-Apr and I've yet to secure an internship for May! An application for a bank opened. I applied for it and kept thinking optimistically. Before I sleep, I would write down, "I will be an intern at XXXX" 15-20 times everyday and soon enough they shortlisted me for interview and gave me an internship offer! But after that, I tried to use it again, I wrote for like 3 months but there was no effect so I gave up.
Now trying again...
One thing they said in the book was to be grateful. I find that it really helps to be grateful and appreciate everything... Makes me less sad and more appreciative.
Persons/Things I am grateful to have in my life:
1. My parents.
Recently I had a talk with my parents about my situation and I don't know why... Talking to them always makes me feel better. The advice they gave was good. Even if my job doesn't offer me much learning opportunities, I can go create them myself. And I have to lower my expectations for jobs... After awhile, all jobs will become somewhat repetitive and that's what I am getting paid for: to get the repetitive job done. I can't expect all jobs to be mind boggling complex problems which will challenge my intellect, like in school. I am glad I have them to turn to for advice and I know they'll always be there for me.
2. My sister and brother.
I am always surprised at how much I enjoy their company. Even though we live in the same house, we spend just a small proportion of time interacting with each other. Probably just some conversations here and there. My brother is pretty active in JC and comes home pretty late everyday and after he comes home, all he wants to do is to lie in bed and use phone. Then CNY rolls along, and we're forced to spend time with each other. I really appreciate how my sister helps me save money, she has all bargains at the tips of her fingers. As for my brother, I appreciate how he'll always help me with tuition maths problems (without complaints) or explain some random physics theory to me.
3. Lx
I really have to thank Lx for always being here for me. Whenever I am upset, Lx will try to cheer me up and recently, he'd bore the brunt of my unhappiness. With regards to that, I am sorry... I know he treats me well and I'll never take him for granted cause it's really hard to imagine how my life would be without him.
4. Friends, especially Olivia, Debra and Fang
I haven't told most of my friends what I felt, cause I feel like it's easier to share the happy stuffs with friends rather than the unhappy stuffs. Sometimes, friends get uncomfortable, I get uncomfortable sometimes. I'm glad I told Oli, Debra and Fang about what I felt because I got to know what it's like from their perspectives. Talking to them has definitely made me feel better. And also, I really enjoy their company!
5. My manager and colleagues.
Even though I dislike my job, I have to admit I have a nice manager and colleague. My manager scolds vulgarities, but not yet at me... During un-stressful periods, he's pretty nice and we can talk about some common topics. Like for lunch, when he noticed I keep coming back at the 1 hour mark, he told me that I could take a 1.5hrs lunch and he wouldn't mind. I enjoy lunch time with my colleagues too, they are so funny and they give me a different perspective on some topics as they come from a different walk of life.
6. Bloomberg
Best thing about my job is that I get to have a Bloomberg Anywhere account under my name, meaning I can access Bloomberg anywhere and anytime. It's a powerful program which cost the company US$2,500 a month and can be used to analyze any financial product in the world. Some days I feel like it's wasted on me, but I will now utilize it well!
So many things to be grateful of... I will try to be keep up my happy mood for as long as possible!
I chanced upon the book "The Secret" recently. I was feeling pretty depressed in Feb, but thankfully there were CNY holidays, and all the mingling with family and friends made me forget my troubles. My younger brother's birthday fell on CNY Eve this year and while we were playing mj, I noticed that my brother's friends had given him The Secret as a birthday gift. He seemed pretty disinterested in the book, so I asked him if I could borrow. He said yes. Is it a sign?!
So I read the book over the next few days whenever I was free. I have to say I was skeptical for some parts of the book, especially this line "Quantum physicists tell us that the entire universe emerged from thought", I was like ??? How can it be! Everyone knew the Universe emerged from Big Bang and if it did emerge from a thought, where did the thought originate from? Furthermore, another questionable premise put forward by the author was that if you want to lose weight, then you should avoid looking at fat people and all thoughts of going on a diet, coupled with the imagination of yourself at your ideal weight. The author claims she followed her own instructions and lost some weight. It's pretty unbelievable? How would not looking at fat people help you to lose weight? And how will you lose weight by just visualizing yourself to be at your target weight, instead of limiting your intake?
However, I find myself trying to think of more positive thoughts as suggested by the book. I meant, I've been applying religiously and there's nothing I can do on my part... So why not just try to think positively right? Also, I had a success story a two years back. I was in Y3 in school and hadn't landed an internship for summer. I wanted an internship with a bank badly (that's what peer pressure does to you!) and time was running out. Think it was around Mar-Apr and I've yet to secure an internship for May! An application for a bank opened. I applied for it and kept thinking optimistically. Before I sleep, I would write down, "I will be an intern at XXXX" 15-20 times everyday and soon enough they shortlisted me for interview and gave me an internship offer! But after that, I tried to use it again, I wrote for like 3 months but there was no effect so I gave up.
Now trying again...
One thing they said in the book was to be grateful. I find that it really helps to be grateful and appreciate everything... Makes me less sad and more appreciative.
Persons/Things I am grateful to have in my life:
1. My parents.
Recently I had a talk with my parents about my situation and I don't know why... Talking to them always makes me feel better. The advice they gave was good. Even if my job doesn't offer me much learning opportunities, I can go create them myself. And I have to lower my expectations for jobs... After awhile, all jobs will become somewhat repetitive and that's what I am getting paid for: to get the repetitive job done. I can't expect all jobs to be mind boggling complex problems which will challenge my intellect, like in school. I am glad I have them to turn to for advice and I know they'll always be there for me.
2. My sister and brother.
I am always surprised at how much I enjoy their company. Even though we live in the same house, we spend just a small proportion of time interacting with each other. Probably just some conversations here and there. My brother is pretty active in JC and comes home pretty late everyday and after he comes home, all he wants to do is to lie in bed and use phone. Then CNY rolls along, and we're forced to spend time with each other. I really appreciate how my sister helps me save money, she has all bargains at the tips of her fingers. As for my brother, I appreciate how he'll always help me with tuition maths problems (without complaints) or explain some random physics theory to me.
3. Lx
I really have to thank Lx for always being here for me. Whenever I am upset, Lx will try to cheer me up and recently, he'd bore the brunt of my unhappiness. With regards to that, I am sorry... I know he treats me well and I'll never take him for granted cause it's really hard to imagine how my life would be without him.
4. Friends, especially Olivia, Debra and Fang
I haven't told most of my friends what I felt, cause I feel like it's easier to share the happy stuffs with friends rather than the unhappy stuffs. Sometimes, friends get uncomfortable, I get uncomfortable sometimes. I'm glad I told Oli, Debra and Fang about what I felt because I got to know what it's like from their perspectives. Talking to them has definitely made me feel better. And also, I really enjoy their company!
5. My manager and colleagues.
Even though I dislike my job, I have to admit I have a nice manager and colleague. My manager scolds vulgarities, but not yet at me... During un-stressful periods, he's pretty nice and we can talk about some common topics. Like for lunch, when he noticed I keep coming back at the 1 hour mark, he told me that I could take a 1.5hrs lunch and he wouldn't mind. I enjoy lunch time with my colleagues too, they are so funny and they give me a different perspective on some topics as they come from a different walk of life.
6. Bloomberg
Best thing about my job is that I get to have a Bloomberg Anywhere account under my name, meaning I can access Bloomberg anywhere and anytime. It's a powerful program which cost the company US$2,500 a month and can be used to analyze any financial product in the world. Some days I feel like it's wasted on me, but I will now utilize it well!
So many things to be grateful of... I will try to be keep up my happy mood for as long as possible!
Monday, February 16, 2015
V'day + Reunion Dinner
Celebrated V'day with Lx on Saturday! We went to La Taperia for lunch, a Spanish restaurant located at Shaw House.
We ordered two tapas and a paella to share.
Some beef steak which Lx ordered. It was juicy and nice!
This is my favourite! Can't remember the name, but it consists of mushrooms, fried garlic and a half-boiled egg. I don't know why mushrooms served in restaurants are always delicious, and the fried garlic was super crisssspy. I love it.
Our squid-ink paella came after half an hour. The clams and prawns were larger than expected. I thought it was so-so only but Lx loved the rice. I found it too dry as I still prefer my paella to be more risotto-esque.
Lx got me flowers even though I told him not to and just get me a small potted rose so I can grow it in my office. But he didn't listen! I can't stay I wasn't happy though. I was pleasantly surprised and guilty at the same time, cus he must have spent a bomb on it and the money could be better spent on other areas!! :(
After our meal, we headed to Wine Connection for an afternoon drink. I couldn't stop admiring the flowers, it was so pretty (or so I think).
Afterwards, we headed to his aunt's house for reunion dinner. Truth to be told, it was pretty unnerving to meet his extended family for the first time. Cus there will be so many people and I won't know what to say.
But... it beat each and every of my expectations! His extended family were all so friendly and nice and funny. They reminded me of how my own extended family will be during CNY Day 1. I was pretty upset the whole week before, but interacting with them made me forgot all of that. All in all, it was a wonderful day cus it made me realize that there's more to life than work. Spending time with family and friends can bring me so much joy and I am glad CNY is coming cus I can't wait to spend time with my own family! It's a pity that work takes up a large proportion of our time such that we only have limited time to meet up with our family and friends during festive occasions.
I am trying to look on the bright side, and this quote made it a little easier:
"Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. And, if things are going bad, don't worry, it can't last forever either"Hoping it will all be over soon...
Monday, February 9, 2015
Monday
Monday blues
As I sat in front of my Bloomberg screens
I wondered why the hell am I
Doing something I don't like?
Sadness overwhelms me
This is not how I imagine my life to be
But what can I do,
When I need money?
Tears threaten to spill
But I pulled myself together
To focus
And get this day over
As the day progresses
I find myself reminiscing
About the past
When I wasn't chained to my desk
Sadness multiplies in my heart
I want to turn back time
When I was happy and free
But I knew it's impossible
As soon as I got home
And closed my door
Tears came, fast and furious
Representing words I cannot say
Will tomorrow be better?
I hope so
At the lowest point
The only way out is up
I wish...
Here I am again, with another depressing post. I have nothing much to blog about my life recently, been just going through the motion.
Everyday, I try to remain optimistic, but it's just so difficult. I have been trying for about 1.5 years already. So far, I've only been short listed for three interviews out of my probably 100+ applications to the job I wanna do!
Everyday, I try to remain optimistic, but it's just so difficult. I have been trying for about 1.5 years already. So far, I've only been short listed for three interviews out of my probably 100+ applications to the job I wanna do!
Why is it so difficult, I keep asking myself? I have been working towards it, I took part in the NUS Student Managed Fund, I went for the stock pitch competition, I took up my current job cus it's something related, I signed up for the CFA exam in June and I tried to do some equity research on my own so I won't get rusty. But I guess all these are still not enough, I still can't compare to those who had professional equity research experience. Who will be willing to give me a chance? Been thinking about it a lot and I have decided to give myself a year to try to get into it... If not I'll settle for something else. Which will make me super depressed as well. What is a life worth living when I can't get to do something I really want and just waste my life away?
I know I might be too fixated on it. And even if I get it, it might not be what I imagined and I might dislike it as well. But... I really need to try it to know, and I can't even get in.
Why did I get so fixated on it? Maybe cus it is something I've tried so hard for, and failed. Most of my other goals, as long as I try hard enough, I do succeed. This is the single thing I've ever wanted for the longest time and I can't get it! This just frustrates the hell out of me.
I slip into these depression cycles once every few weeks and I know I will get over it soon again... Even I get sick of it but I can't help to feel this way. How many times do I have to go through it? Will I be able to break out of this cycle or I'll slump in it? No one knows... It certainly feels like a slump though.
Meanwhile I will try to keep my spirits up and continue to work towards it. Then again, words are cheap, sigh
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Heavy heart
Recently, the lyrics in "Counting Star" resonated with me, especially this line:
I've been feeling something which I know is wrong, but it feels so right at the same time. I know I shouldn't feel this way cus it will make me unreasonable, but I really can't help it.
I can say I am sorry a hundred times and it wouldn't alter the way I feel. Guilty and unhappy.
I should probably be left alone, so I wouldn't hurt people with such feelings of mine. And maybe then, I would be set free to feel what I feel. Which is so wrong yet I can't help it.
Any words of advice?
I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, couldn't I, could lie
I've been feeling something which I know is wrong, but it feels so right at the same time. I know I shouldn't feel this way cus it will make me unreasonable, but I really can't help it.
I can say I am sorry a hundred times and it wouldn't alter the way I feel. Guilty and unhappy.
I should probably be left alone, so I wouldn't hurt people with such feelings of mine. And maybe then, I would be set free to feel what I feel. Which is so wrong yet I can't help it.
Any words of advice?
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Yet another video!
I got all necklaces in the video from this shop.
I am on a roll with videos! Decided to make this video about my necklaces haul from Taobao as I love how value for money they are.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Batam Getaway
I made a video of the Batam trip I made last weekend with Olivia, Fang and Debra. Enjoy! Pardon my amateurish skills and a grammar mistake :(
For here on, I hope I will take more videos of everything! My parents used to film my siblings and I when we were small and it was always nice looking back at those times... So I want to create some videos which I can look back upon when I am older.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
2am sadness
This week, I felt sad when:
I went to visit my maternal grandma at the hospital and I saw two patients lying in adjacenf beds who were in pain. They looked lonely, but no one came to visit during the visiting hours. When I saw my grandma, I could barely carry a conversation with her, cause we only ever see each other once a year and so she doesn't know what's happening in my life. We exchanged customary greetings and then we were just staring awkwardly at each other. My parents saved the day as they interjected with some conversation. I want to get to know my maternal side of my grandma too, but when will I have the time or make the effort to tag along with my mum when she goes visit my grandma? Sometimes the waves of life just sweeps you along and tangle you up such that you don't have time to get to know your extended family. A tinge of sadness hits me. I want to do something before it's too late, but will this aspiration be swept up into the ocean depths as well? Just like all the many things I had wanted to do in the past but never go around to it.
I closed the door behind me, knowing that things have changed. As we transit to different phases of our lives, I guess some dynamics in our relationship changes as well. How we'll progress... is still an unknown. What can I do but feel blue?
My manager yelled into the phone, scolding my other colleague, "NOW I'LL HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO THE CLIENT, FUCK", before slamming it down, grabbing everyone's attention. I felt sad and a small tinge of disgust that my manager hated to apologize that much! If it's an easy problem solvable by an apology, is there such a need to get so worked up? I wondered when will be my unlucky day when I'll get the same treatment? Hopefully I'll get to leave before it happens...
This is the end of my sad sad week. Hoping it'll get better the next
Monday, January 12, 2015
Pince & Pints
For Lx's birthday, we went to Pince & Pints! I've been wanting to go to Pince & Pints (& I think Lx too) since it was opened cus we loved Burger and Lobster in London!
What we ordered: Grilled lobster each & lobster roll to share, since the lobster roll was highly raved!
Our table in its entirety
The lobster roll certainly didn't disappoint. We could taste the thick and chunky lobster meat in the roll, unlike Platypus' lobster roll which were comprised of small pieces of meat. I guess you get what you paid for, as the lobster roll here cost more than double that of Platypus. Oh, and the roll was really good, it was richly buttered and toasted.
Lx posing the same pose as he did in London
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I bought cake but I realized I forgot to take picture of it
Sunday, January 4, 2015
First Saturday of 2015
Did nothing much, was upset that the holidays are over. Soon I'll be back to the daily grind with the next holiday 6 weeks away. Le sigh... Met LX at NEX for some Carl's Junior. Finally managed to eat their portobello mushroom burger! I went with my sis once and another time with LX, but both times they said it was sold out cause they ran out of mushrooms. Is it even that popular?
Anyway I discovered a bunch of fashion bloggers/Youtubers over the past few days and I am so inspired by them to dress a little better. Doubt it would last very long because I would normally stick to very conventional choices for work, and then maybe I'll have some time to think about my outfit on Saturday and that's it. My favourite fashion Youtuber is Clothesencounter! I love her style so much!!!! Go see some of her videos here
Decided to curl my hair, but I gave up after curling two thick strands, cause I keep failing as I can't see where I am curling with the curling tong. If you look carefully, you can see that the hair behind is straight! I love this look, cause it makes me look a little more Korean!
Nice? If only my hair was naturally like that!
LX acting pensive for the camera
After we gobbled down the burger and chilli cheese fries, we did some window shopping in the sale section of some retail outlets! Saw some nice cheap clothes, but sadly only odd sizes were left, which didn't fit me well so I left empty-handed. As LX brought his ukulele (his birthday present from me), we headed back for a jamming session. He taught me how to play some parts of 林俊杰‘s 学不会, but I didn't learn much cause he's still a noob and was quite confused himself LOL.
This kinda summed up my Saturday. Just spending some good old time together!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)